Knowing Dad Better
Responding to my children's questions
The New York Times headline asks, “Want to Know Your Dad Better?”
Within this June article: “This Father’s Day, open up a new channel of communication. The Times asked therapists, researchers, professional interviewers, and famous dads to offer up questions that might lead to rewarding, revealing conversations between you and your dad.”
I forwarded this story to our children, ages 41, 38, and 35, suggesting they choose five questions collectively (from some 26 questions in the article), with my answers shared both with them and with you. Regular readers will find few surprises, yet you might gain a deeper sense of my life journey, one it seems we’re taking together.
Note, there’s nothing gender-specific here about these questions, suggesting all parent-readers might ponder the questions my children selected for me.
--Would my 30-year-old self like your 30-year-old self? Would we be friends?
Yes, 30-year-old me would definitely love and value my 30-year-old children. Paula and I became parents at age 30, a status our children had not yet achieved upon reaching this milepost. We’d be friends… you’d visit our home and fuss over our first-born. We’d talk about work, sure, but also about current events, about what we were reading, or movies / tv shows we’d seen. My children’s worldview at 30 was more expansive than mine, although living in Philadelphia then, mine was growing rapidly.
--What’s something you used to believe strongly, but have since changed your mind?
I once believed the United States was the greatest country on earth. While certainly not perfect, our flaws were generally addressed and overcome. Probably a post-World War II belief, part of a larger groupthink that existed from 1945 until the mid-1960s.
While our country can and does still rise to the occasion periodically, I no longer believe we’re the greatest country in the world. By most any measurement, it’s no longer a fact-based conclusion. Our faults are too numerous, and currently, too unattended. It grieves me to say this, partially offset by the hope our country will bounce back… eventually.
--If you could spend one day with your child at a particular age again, which age would that be? What activities would you do together?
I’d assist ten-year-old Meg on a challenging piano piece, working together, progressing steadily. (For some reason, Meg didn’t think she could practice without Dad present.) A second activity would be fifteen-year-old Meg teaching me steps required for the Daddy-Daughter number at her dance recital. Role reversal: child teaching parent. (Worth noting, Meg was a talented pianist and a superb dancer.)
I’d play catch with ten-year-old Ellie, an aspiring fast-pitch softball pitcher. I recall the session when finally she threw more strikes than balls… a breakthrough! Paula and I were traveling when Ellie pitched her first game. We spoke the following morning, asking her how it went. “Great, Daddy, we won! They were swinging at everything!” Hooray. Fair to say, if she wasn’t hooked for life, then at least for two decades.
I’d go fishing in the creek that runs along my parents’ property with ten-year-old Ethan, hoping to catch a fish we could imprint, gyotaku-style, on handmade paper Ethan created …with minimal assistance. Indeed, we caught a sizable “redhorse” (a freshwater sucker) to complete Ethan’s project. An alternative activity, a decade later, Ethan age twenty and me, walking the adjacent field seeking arrowheads. Then, after supper, playing our ongoing game of rummy, as we did maybe three times a week.
--What was your role in your family when you were growing up?
My sister, 15 months older, was my constant companion until about age five. Six siblings, we all had chores, with modest childcare responsibilities imposed occasionally on my sister and me. Among my primary duties beginning at age eleven was evening milking, one cow, plus summer lawn mowing responsibilities.
The oldest son, I nurtured and supported my brothers’ sports interests; we often played softball and football with cousins and neighbors. My role was often all-time pitcher / umpire for softball, all-time quarterback / referee for football.
An average musician, yet I’d often take the lead organizing family musical activities.
--What good things from your childhood did you hope to pass down to me, and what did you hope to spare me?
I attempted to pass down a curiosity about the world, a love of and immersion in nature and music and sports, plus the importance of faith and church activities. I can’t think of anything in my childhood I would spare them from. In many respects, I’m the beneficiary of an idyllic childhood: a loving family, fifty acres to roam, a supportive rural neighborhood, caring teachers and mentors. I didn’t always get my way – an important life lesson – however, my needs were met, my interests encouraged.
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My column, entitled “Showing Up,” is published in the Nora Springs - Rockford Register. I’m also pleased to be part of the Iowa Writers’ Collaborative… click on the underscored link to see a list of the talented people who make up this innovative approach to journalism. I always appreciate your feedback and, if you aren’t already a subscriber, I’d be thrilled if you became one. Thanks much! —KM